Loving Myself...Loving Tom

I cross the Sunshine Skyway and land at the base of the bridge. I turn west, over the causeway bridges, one, two, three.  The smell of salt and sea air, my shoulders drop, releasing tension. I drive onward to Pass-a-grille beach, my Shangri-La of sorts.  This was our beach…mine, Tom and the kids…our go to spot for respite and relaxation, a mere 20 minutes from my former Florida home.

This time, I travel alone in a rented car, the ashes of Tom in the back seat.  It will be the spot that I release his ashes, once again.  It has been almost 10 years since his death.  Remembering the time that Bruce, Carol and the kids and I left the first ashes behind and then returning for many weeks to this special place to console our grief.

This time it is my solo ceremony. Mine alone to remember the love.  I sit in the sand on the gulf side mixing ashes into the sand. They blend together, unrecognizable from one another. I cry.  I remember.  I chant AKAL, releasing myself more than his soul. Ten years gone by. It is time.

I walk to the east, to the intercoastal waterway. Sailboats, motor boats, folks fishing…. He loved this time of the year, springtime in Florida. I walk out to a small fishing pier and sit down, legs dangling over the side and begin to toss the remaining ashes into the water.  They swirl along the top of the water creating a pattern as the current pulls them out. 

I look up and see a beautiful blue-hulled sailboat as it anchors.  Tom would have loved that boat.  He had the sea legs, not me.  I see a fin.  A dolphin spotted 20 feet out. Now two more appear. Appearing and disappeating, their fins in unison. I am comforted by their sight.  The ashes sit along the surface of the water, swirling, until they become integrated into the water itself.  I toss a rose quartz out into the water. Pluck, it sinks to the bottom.

It is complete, for now.  Another step in the journey of grief…loving myself, loving Tom.